Taking on The World With Our Boy: My 1st Mother's Day & Ramblings About Motherhood

Today I celebrated my first Mother's Day as a mama. I was touched so many people thought of me today. I got lots of sweet and meaningful cards. Brendan and Holly (my brother and sister-in-law) sent me a very cool gift (from Red Envelope, one of my favorite online shops). Its a kit to make handprints (or footprints) on canvas. I love it! My sister-in-law Richelle, who is one of the sweetest people I know, came and brought me flowers this morning. And Evan gave me what I really wanted, which was to sleep in (I slept until 11am) and a clean house!

For lunch, the three of us went to Lilit Cafe in Bethesda. I have been wanting to go for a long time because they have a gluten-free bakery! I had a delicious sandwich on gluten-free bread. I love it when I can go out to eat and have menu options!

Here is a picture of Marino and I at lunch. Can you tell he is excited about Mother's Day?

When we got home, Marino, Max and I went for a walk. Today we had the nicest weather of any day this year. It was gorgeous. We're very lucky that a block from our house is a huge lake. We love it there! We also have very cool neighbors who live on the lake...

And here is a picture I took of my beautiful boy on our walk. Have you ever seen such a sweet face? I love him so much!

So far, motherhood has been a very difference than what I was expecting. I still feel a sense of loss over the end of my pregnancy and Marino's birth. I really wanted to get to that point in pregnancy where I didn't want to be pregnant anymore. I wanted to pack a hospital bag, get Marino's baby things ready and anticipate his arrival. But most of all, I wanted to give birth and have the experience of the nurses handing me the baby. I still cry every time I see that on tv or in a movie. What an amazing experience that must be, to give birth, snuggle your brand new baby and welcome them to the world.

I find it almost physically painful that Marino and I did not have a normal birth experience. Instead, he was whisked off to the NICU and we fought separate battles for our health on separate floors of the hospital. I hate that the day Marino was born was not the happiest day of my life (it was the scariest). I hate that the first time I saw my baby, it was a picture on a camera phone. I hate that Evan had to make me a video starting with "Mom, this is your baby" and show it to me while I was immobile in a hospital bed. I hate that 25 people met Marino before I did. I hate that there was no joyous celebration in the hospital and that I woke up to my parents looking at me with a look of fear on their faces. I hate that 3 days went by before Marino heard me tell him I love him (outside of the womb). I hate that I didn't change his first (or 50th diaper) and that I didn't even witness his first bath. I hate that I never got to even try to breast feed him. I hate that he didn't have his mama to make him feel secure for the first month of his life...that he slept alone in a plastic isolette. I'm sure if you're not a mother of a premature baby, you're reading this and thinking "You hate everything! Get over it! Aren't you happy he's ok now?!" And of course I am. But all these thoughts still come and go and each time they do, it hurts. I love my boy so much, I wish I could have made things better for him. I wish my body would have allowed me to keep him inside until 40 weeks (or at least until he was healthy and strong).

I remember looking at him in the NICU and thinking that there was no way he would get away from that experience unscathed. I was certain he would be insecure, unhappy, extra needy...broken emotionally in some way. While other babies were home happy and secure with their mothers, my boy spent most of his time alone in a NICU with machines beeping, parents crying, strangers taking care of him. When I could visit, I certainly wasn't myself. I could barely stay awake. Even after I was discharged, I was medicated and exhausted myself just traveling the 5 miles to come visit him. When he was discharged and got Group B Strep, I blamed myself. How could I not keep him safe? If I had just been able to stay pregnant until 35 weeks, he would have gotten antibodies from me to help him fight the infection. If I had been able to produce breast milk, he could have gotten antibodies from me. Instead, my useless body had left him defenseless and the infection got into his blood and then his brain.

When he was colicky, I blamed it on my own deficiencies as a mother. Of course he was crying all the time. He didn't feel secure. He had nightmares of being stuck with needles, of CPAP machines, of being alone. I was certain we would never truly bond and that he would never love me the way other babies loved "good" moms who protected their babies. But somehow, we got past all that. Marino is unbelievably happy and friendly. Smiles and laughs from him come easily. He loves to snuggle and I was the first person he gave kisses to. We truly enjoy our time together. When I wake up in the morning, and that handsome boy is standing in his crib with huge eyes and a gigantic smile for me, I am proud. Every time someone tells me he is happy/friendly/social/outgoing/special, I am so proud of what we overcame. When someone is shocked to learn that he was premature or ever sick, I smile from the inside out, a tiny personal triumph for both of of us. And while motherhood hasn't been easy, its been the most meaningful and amazing experience of my life. I never knew joy until I had Marino, but he brings true, unadulterated joy into my life every day.

Addendum: Just so everyone knows, I realize Daddy/Evan has a lot to do with Marino's success and happiness too. In fact, if personality is a nature vs. nurture thing, Marino probably inherited Evan's optimism and sunny disposition that has helped him turn into the happy baby he is today. Marino goes crazy for Evan and loves him to death. All day long he goes on and on about "da-dee!" But this is Mother's Day, people, so I'm talking about ME!! I'll talk about Evan on June 21st!

And, just because its a day about mamas, here are some pictures of me, being a mama...